For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
Jeremiah 29:11
I've been wanting to write this post for quite some time now but at a loss for where to begin. This blog started off as a tag-along to my journey to eating mostly raw...and I think we can all see that it has evolved into something different. I've realized that there is so much more to healing than just the food I eat. I've realized that the real obstacle between myself and my healing process is fear. Stick with me here for a minute...
I've heard it said many times that the opposite of love isn't hate, but rather, it's fear. Fear paralyzes us from moving, it blinds us from seeing the bigger picture, and it blocks us from receiving the healing that only love offers.
Three years ago I was sitting in my doctor's office when she told me that I would most likely have to undergo a life-altering surgery. I can still remember this moment like it happened just yesterday. From that moment on, the fear of her words threatened me every day of my life. Instead of allowing my Crohn's to win, I decided that I needed to try everything in my power to cure myself, even though (according to western medicine) Crohn's Disease is a chronic illness that is "incurable." I began to search for anything that would cure me...out of fear. I found the raw food diet, and was amazed by the results. Simultaneously, I was so overwhelmed with the loss of freedom to eat whatever I wanted, when I wanted. I would eat raw for a week and get so fed-up that I couldn't have a slice of pizza like a normal 24-year-old. Instead of keeping my commitment, I more often would give in and feel 'normal' for the few minutes it took to sit down and eat a slice of pizza. After a few more minutes, the pain would always kick in. Reality would once again remind me that I was doomed to end up having surgery because I obviously wasn't strong enough to say 'no' to a slice of pizza.....a little overdramatic, wouldn't ya say? Well, I wasn't trying to be a drama queen--I was just scared out of my mind. Fear tends to take us hostage. And unfortunately, what we resist persists. I have been resisting my Crohn's to the point of complete exhaustion for the last few years--either by completely denying its existence or over-thinking the consequences of all of my actions and choices. This is no way to live. I grew sick and tired of being, well, sick and tired...Let me add fear into that: I grew sick, tired, and afraid of being sick, tired, and afraid. That's more like it.
Well, guess what? My biggest fear came true. After being hospitalized for most of the month of March, I finally had to face the reality of the surgery that I preferred to pretend wasn't ever in the cards for me. Because of the state of my Crohn's, I didn't have much of an option, so on April 2nd, 2012, my fear manifested. The funny thing is, I lived through it...and although I struggle with it daily, I am amazed that I really am okay. Not to mention, I feel better than I have in years.
You're probably wondering what the big deal is. It's pretty common for people with Crohn's to undergo surgical procedures, but mostly they involve a re-sectioning process that sucks, but it heals up and you can go on with your life per usual. I wish that was all that I had to go through, but I had to get what's called a loop ileostomy. I'm not going to explain it, so go ahead and google it. Be warned that the pictures on google look gross. I didn't think I'd ever want to reveal the exact surgery that I had because it really is a sensitive topic for me. But, I've realized that I have nothing to fear, and there are more people than I ever imagined who live with the same thing. I'm grateful that my ileostomy is reversible, but for now, I am just trying to get used to this change and enjoy my life that is virtually symptom free.
The last couple of months has truly been a test of character for me. Although I've had some really low points, and continue to struggle with this change, I know that I have full control over how I am going to get through this. I can either mope around and feel bad for myself or gain a wider perspective and become that much stronger. One thing that I really am grateful for are the opportunities that I've had throughout my life to cultivate compassion for others. I know what it's like to be scared out of my mind; I know what it's like to feel at a complete loss of any kind of control; to feel uncomfortable in my own skin, and so on. The thing is--we all deal with these kinds of issues on some level at different points in life. I feel that I'm blessed to have been so intimately connected to these emotions because now I can help others going through similar situations to know that they're not alone.
Isn't that all that we really want when it comes down to it? To never be alone. To love and be loved. Love is the opposite of fear. So when we abandon all fear, all that endures is love. So, join in the movement with me. Let's stop being so afraid of everything and start living. Do one thing every single day that scares you. Be comfortable with being uncomfortable in order to stretch your 'limits.' Soon enough you'll realize...you're limitless.
"Love is the total absence of fear. Love asks no questions. It’s natural state is one of extension and expansion, not comparison and measurement."
Jampolsky, Gerald G.
Adjusting to life post-surgery has been weird. I'm telling myself to stay strong and making myself believe I am, but geeze it's exhausting. Sometimes I wish I could just have a day off. But, the thing is, it's just going to get easier each day. I'm not going to say that I never feel afraid or discouraged but I am saying that at the end of the day I am blessed that I am able to get perspective and know that God has "plans to prosper me and not to harm me, plans to give me hope and a future."
A little over a year ago I saw the movie Soul Surfer with my dad. It's the true story of Bethany Hamilton, the girl who lost her arm in a shark attack. She is honestly one of the most incredibly inspiring people, and I think of her as a role model. I don't want to compare my situation with her's because it is very different, but I know that we both have experienced many of the same fears. I don't even know this girl personally but knowing her story has given me so much strength to remain grateful and positive throughout this experience. If you haven't seen the movie, definitely check it out! The clips that I've chosen to post are ones that I can really relate to. I hope you like them :)
"I don't know why terrible things happen to us sometimes. But, I have to believe that something good is gonna come out of it."
"Normal is so overrated."
To be honest, when the doctor first told me I would likely need this surgery, the thing that most terrified me was the idea that I wouldn't look "normal" anymore. I was afraid that no one would ever want to be around me. Unlike Bethany, my issue isn't as visible to the world--it's not like I'm missing a limb or something drastic like that. I could get through life with people never knowing what's under my shirt, and people have told me how unnoticeable it is, even when they know it's there. The thing is, I don't really care what other people think about how I look, but I do care about the way I feel about myself. It sounds silly, but it's little things that upset me the most--one being the fact that I really can't wear a bikini right now. Writing this down makes it sound really silly, but during the summer, I live in bikinis. They make me feel good because I'm such a water baby. It's a little thing that can seem like such a big deal in my head, but at the end of the day, it's all good. I can still do everything I could do before and wear almost anything, I just have to be a little more creative. I realized that in other areas of my life I've never exactly been a big fan of being "normal," so why should this be any different? ... I'm making it sound a lot easier than it has been, but I really have been blessed with the most unreal people in my life. God has carried me through this by placing people in my life who continuously shatter my insecurities and make me feel beautiful again.
"I can do all things through Him who gives me strength."
It was really easy for me to forget about God in the midst of this situation, but Bethany's faith really inspires me. I wrote this Bible quote and hung it on my wall in the hospital as a constant reminder that I'm not alone, and God has given me so much strength during a time when I felt completely helpless.
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Now that I've gotten this off my chest (not to mention done my "one thing a day" that scares me by writing about this), I'm ready to get back to blogging. So, please stay tuned for lots more posts to come! I'll be writing about all sorts of things, but if you have any requests just holler at me.
love,
d
"I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me."
-Matthew 25:36
